During the first 3 or 4 months after leaving hospital I was filled with uncertainty.
Why am I still here? Am I going to stay? If I am, what am I going to do?
As the year drew to a close the songs let me know. They asked to be sung, recorded and set free.
I heard it, I got it and I was willing to commit to it. But how?
Although I had brought some money in from selling things, I wasn't able to travel beyond walking to the local village so it didn't seem as though it would happen any time soon.
Then one day, whilst out walking, my friend showed me a house across the road and asked if I remembered it. I told her I didn't and she told me I'd been there once.
"Really?" I asked
"Yes, you were there, just before you went to hospital, it's a recording studio."
It couldn't be, could it? Literally across the road?
I wrote a letter explaining my situation and that I had been told there was a recording studio in the house. If I've made a mistake then ignore the letter, but if it is a studio please contact me."
I put it through the letter box without really expecting to hear anything back.
However a few days later I received an email which told me that it was indeed a studio and invited me go and visit.
These are all tiny, tiny, flashbacks that I refer to as 'clips' rather than actual memories.
The process I go through is to look backwards, put the clips together and use them to make short films.
I arrived at the house, rang the bell and a gentleman answered the door.
He would've invited me in and showed me the studio..
I don't see it but I know we talked about the possibility of recording a song.
I must have still had a recording of the song because we listened to it together.
It was the first song that came back to me after I'd been in a coma,.
A song called 4000 stars.
I see myself holding a guitar and telling him that I can't work out the chords.
He sits at the piano and plays.
"That's it, that's it! What are you playing."
"C major 7 and Fmajor7."
As though they are guided, my fingers go to the strings and play.
C major 7 and F major 7
Something inside remembers that I used to love them so much.
We would have dedcided on a date to go ahead and agreed a price.
My 'Why' had whispered, the songs were the 'What' and on that day, I found the 'How'.